1969: I have some clear memories of that year. I was in my adolescence. I didn’t understand my sexuality. I don’t think I ever heard the word “gay” used to refer to sexual orientation. I didn’t know anything about sexual orientation. All I knew for sure was that I didn’t fit in. I didn’t know why. I just didn’t fit in with my classmates. It bothered me a great deal.
I was the good Catholic schoolboy. I did what I was told. I went to mass every day. I listened to my teachers and did what I was told. Yes, I was the odd kid. I didn’t know why. In high school, a couple of the priests said that if a boy wasn’t attracted to girls, then that was a sign that God was calling him to be a priest. I knew I didn’t have the same attraction to girls as the boys in my class did. I didn’t really sense an attraction to anything. So I had my answer. Priesthood it was!
While I was struggling with my own feelings of knowing where I belonged, some others were making sure that they did belong. People took notice of it. June 28, 1969. That’s when the patrons of the Stonewall Inn fought back in the midst of a police raid. At that time in New York, it was illegal to sell alcohol to homosexuals. The police raid was to check the liquor license — the kind of raid the usually resulted in all patrons being hauled off to jail and their names listed in the newspaper the following day. But in the early morning hours of June 28, the drag queens fought back. Then the other patrons joined in. The headline on the front page of the New York Sunday News for July 4 read: “Homo Nest Raided, Queen Bees Are Stirring Mad.”
For some people, being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or sexually different in any way is a source of shame. I sometimes think it’s a bit worse for young people growing up in religious families today than it was for me. I didn’t know who I was or what was making me different. Many conservative Christian parents are told by pastors that if their kids are queer to throw them out of the house. Just disown them. The youth who hide their sexuality today often are troubled by guilt and depression. In some ways, I had it easier. I just knew I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t even sure what it was that I didn’t fit into.
In time, that began to change. During my first year in college, something happened. Another guy kissed me on the cheek. It was like a bolt of lightning hit me. I felt something I never experienced before. I didn’t know what to do. So I went back to my dorm room alone, locked the door, and didn’t go out until the next day. What happened? I didn’t know.
A couple of years after that first kiss, I finally said to another person that I was gay. I came to understand who I was and began to feel at home with myself. But I still had trouble fitting in with other people. Close friends who were involved in church distanced from me. That was very painful. In those years, I didn’t feel comfortable with drinking, nightclubs, and other gay hangouts, so I didn’t fit in there. It took until I was about thirty before I came to understand that none of these things really mattered. I came to understand that I could be my own person and connect with people in ways that were right for me. To quote the anthem from La Cage aux Folles, I accepted that “I am What I am.”
I look back on those years of struggle and shake my head. What a waste of energy! While the struggle was real and perhaps was necessary, as an adult I’ve become very comfortable with who I am. Part of that is being gay. While some people may only see me as queer, I’m really much more. And that’s very important to me.
I understand that my sexuality is a gift. I guess you could say it’s like being a Marine: I’m one of the few, the proud! Being gay has enabled me to have a better understanding of what it means for people living on the margins of society. The funny thing, there are more people on the margin than in the center — even though the center is the dominant force. On the margins are people of a variety of races and ethnic backgrounds, immigrants, people living in poverty, and people whose sexuality or gender is different from most others. Understanding those margins, today I use what voice and platform I have as an older man to advocate for them. After all, the experience of marginalization, the experience of not fitting in, intuitively makes sense to me. I spent a good portion of my life trying to figure out where I fit in until I realized it didn’t matter.
I can’t really say that I’m proud to be gay. Instead, I have to say that I’m thankful that I was born as a gay man. It’s a gift. Because it’s been a wonderful gift, it’s a humbling experience to have. Because of this gift, I think I see the world a little differently, connect with others more easily, and appreciate the range of experience people in the human family are capable of having. This Pride month, all I really have to say is thank you for the amazing gift of being who I am.
Happy Pride Month!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHPj3cH8VJU
Photo attribution: Photo by Sam Breach on Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
