As the first light of morning gently peeled back the shadows of night, I stepped onto my front porch with a cup of coffee. Days are getting shorter as we move toward autumn. Just a few weeks ago, it was bright and sunny at this same hour.
I like this time when night gives way to the new day. There’s a certain peace about this time. While I feel a bit sluggish as the caffeine slowly helps my body to wake up, as I take notice of the birds who sing familiar songs and squirrels which begin to scamper, something seems right and balanced. At this time I experience a comfortable sense of solitude. I am alone. Not even the neighborhood dog-walkers have begun their morning ritual. Yet, while I am alone, there is a feeling of richness, fullness, and connection.
The experience of solitude is strikingly different from loneliness. The experience of loneliness is one of emptiness, of longing for someone or something outside of oneself. Perhaps it’s a longing for companionship, for friendship, or for love. When we are lonely, and we’ve all been lonely, we have a desire to be connected with some others or perhaps a particular other. While we don’t think of it consciously, the feeling of loneliness is an experience of emptiness that conveys that we are not sufficient in ourselves.
We can be all alone without being lonely. That’s the experience of solitude. In solitude, we have a sense of wholeness or completion in ourselves. We aren’t longing for someone or something in times of solitude. Instead, we experience a bit of a paradox: we are complete in over own selves while also being deeply connected to what is around us. Connected with what? As I reflect on standing on the front porch in the early morning light, I am aware that I felt connected with nature and the world as it was right in front of me. All seemed right with me and with the world. There was peace within me and peace in the world.
Whether we are lonely or experience solitude, we are alone and by ourselves. There is a small difference between being alone and lonely from the difference of being alone in solitude. In the experience of solitude, we experience ourselves as being all-one rather than fragmented.
Loneliness is the experience of fragmentation, separation, and isolation. I find that I most often feel lonely when I’m tired, hungry, and overworked. For me, the experience of loneliness comes after a period of my life being out of balance. In a way, loneliness signals to me that something isn’t right about the way I’m living. If I keep pushing myself, living in an imbalanced way, the loneliness grows into feelings of hurt, anger, and that anger turned-inward we often associate with depression.
The wholeness of solitude is related to when I am rested, have properly rested, eaten well, and have maintained a spiritual practice that has depth. It’s when I live in a balanced way that I experience wholeness and integration both inside of myself and around me.
Learning to live in a way that supports the experience of solitude — the experience of being alone and all-one — takes time and awareness. Over time, living in balanced ways with restful sleep, exercise, proper nutrition, and spiritual practice enable us to experience the joy I often find by simply sipping coffee on my front porch as night becomes day once again.
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