Another Birthday for Me

It’s another birthday for me.  While I am another year older, I’m not sure that I’m any wiser. Growing older is truly an enigma for me.  When I think about being in my sixties, I’m mostly confused about my life and what it means to be approaching retirement age.

Yes, I have more aches and pains than I did twenty years ago. Yet, in many ways, I don’t feel any different than I did when I was forty and not much different from when I was in my twenties. I’ve always been interested in a wide variety of things. I enjoy meeting new people and exploring unknown places. I appreciate having friends who range in age from their 20s to their 80s.  My values about life, what’s important to me, and how to treat people have been consistent throughout my life. And, yes: if someone asks me to meet up for happy hour, I’m there.  I just limit myself to one or two drinks now, which is something of a change from my younger years.  Overall, I don’t feel much different with age. 

There is another thing that has remained the same throughout my life which is somewhat discomforting. I’m still not sure what I want to do with my life.  I assumed that I’d reach a point as an adult when my life would become clearer to me. I thought I’d know what I was doing.  The truth is that I still feel like that kid who panics when asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I think what makes this time in life more challenging is that I have already done lots of things.  I’ve had successes, which I like to talk about.  I also have failures which I often pretend never happened but I haven’t forgotten them.  As I think of the next twenty or thirty years of my life, I wonder what I should do with my life?  The real difference is that in my early-60s, I am aware of how fast twenty years will pass.

As I enter what’s likely to be the last quarter of my life, I am aware of something that has changed.  In my twenties, I wanted to make an impact on the world and do something important.  I had big ambitions. I was sure I could do whatever it was I set out to do.

While it’s true that I’ve done many things and some of them actually succeeded, I now realize it’s not the accomplishments that matter the most.  Instead, I remember people and time spent with them.  Some of those people touched my life deeply and I hold memories of them close to me.  In return, I hope that I was somehow a helpful presence to them and demonstrated kindness and support for their lives. 

Now that I’m in my 60s, I’m not sure what the success I wanted in my 20s actually looks like.  But I know that I want to spend my time in pursuits that are meaningful to me and help in some small way to make life better for others.  As I think about retirement, I’m not sure what that will mean.  Yet, I trust that what’s right for me will become evident.

Yes, it’s another birthday.  I’m thankful that I’ll spend it with my life partner.  We’ll do hiking as well as some eating and drinking. Perhaps there will even be a cake.  And while holding many memories close to my heart, I will look forward to what is yet to come. I know that even when my life has been difficult, it’s always proven to be very good. 

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