Three Steps To Being Our True Self

“Be yourself. But, not like that.”  The messages we receive from others are confusing. In this video, I talk about being our true selves and the way deep spiritual practice enables us to live consonantly with our inner selves.

The following is a text version of this blog.

This isn’t something we usually admit to other people.  Honestly, it’s difficult enough to admit this to ourselves.  Most people find it very difficult to just be themselves.  There are many expectations for us to fit into or fill certain roles.  We learn that’s what we should do.  In the process, we become less of the people we are and more of what people want us to be. Over time, we may look back and wonder, “What happened to my life?”   Indeed, perhaps the most significant reason that we aren’t comfortable being the person we are is because of societal expectations.  In every setting where we interact with people, there are norms for our behavior and the ways we express ourselves.  In and of themselves, they aren’t bad things.  But they limit us.

One aspect of those norms is what society defines as success.  We should strive to achieve the highest level of professional success that we can.  Recently, the New York Times published a story that followed up on a group of people that were previously interviewed.  These people quit their professional jobs during the Great Resignation.  They had been on the path of societal success.  More than a year after they quit, they were interviewed to see where they landed.  All of their stories were different, but there was a common theme.  While several created new ways to make money and some took jobs in other kinds of settings, what was noticeable was that they felt better about themselves.  They were no longer striving to meet the expectations of what they should be but were living life in ways that made sense to them. They experienced greater consonance with the person they were most deeply.

Sometimes we’ve been taught that there’s something about the way we are that’s just wrong and we should change it.  It could be something as simple as how we laugh.  Or the shape and size of our noses or ears.  It could also be something related to societal prejudice, like the color of our skin, our gender, or our sexual identity.  For all these reasons and more, we’ve learned that there’s something wrong with the way we are.  These social prejudices make it difficult for us to be ourselves.

Contemplative spiritual practices, like meditation, are important to enable us to be the people we are authentically.  This happens in three ways.

First, when we allow ourselves to be quiet in contemplative spiritual practice, we can let go of all the noise, the messages, and the expectations directed toward us by other people and by society.  We have the opportunity to just be in the present moment.

Second, in the quiet of contemplative practice, over time regularly spent with that practice, we can gently let go of the expectations others have of us and the prejudicial societal messages that have been aimed at us.  Any wounds, hurt, or pain begin to heal themselves and we experience ourselves with greater wholeness.  This doesn’t happen all at once, but rather it’s a gradual process of letting go of the things that have wounded us.

Third, the more we have let go of what has wounded us and learned to rest in the heart of who we are, the more authentic we become.  We’re able to be who we are in a relaxed, comfortable, and confident way.  As that happens, the expectations from others and the social prejudices mean less and less to us.  We grow into being the people we are most deeply.

For some of us, the process can take a longer time than for others.  That’s okay.  We’re each on our own journey inward.  The best vehicle for that journey is a contemplative practice.  But of course, that process can be supported with the help of a spiritual director.