The sun was warm. The sky was blue. There was crispness to the air. It was a perfect autumn day. Laura and I drove to the county park for a walk around the lake. Now living in D.C., I thought my good friend would enjoy the afternoon in a rural setting. The path around the lake reminds me of an Eastern woodlands area, with trees forming a canopy over a path that curves the lake bed contours. It’s a patch of different terrain than the surrounding Mid-West farmland.
It was Sunday afternoon. Many other people also took advantage of the park on this autumn day. Bikers, roller bladders, joggers, and other walkers shared the path. As we went our way, Laura smiled and greeted the people we passed. Few acknowledged her courtesy, sometimes just looking the other way. With a bit of frustration in her voice, she blurted, “People really aren’t friendly, are they? At least in Washington, they say ‘hi’ back.” While part of what she observed is probably related to Mid-Western shyness and reserve, her comment provided me an opportunity to consider social exchanges in society today and the place of civility.
Over the last few years, the tone of discourse in the United States had grown increasingly harsh and shrill. We witness TV news stories of town hall meetings in which people yell, call names, and act out of barely bridled aggression. During the recent campaign season, scenes of a man deliberately stepping on the head of a fallen woman whose political views differed from his own was seen in all the news media. Politics aside, obscene gestures and angry words meant to hurt others are displayed between the drivers on American roads and by shoppers who address customer service representatives in demeaning. While it would be convenient to say that these are the behaviors of others, sometimes I’m that person, too – just as we all are.
While anger and frustration in society may be related to the enormity of the problems that face us — problems that have no easy solution — how we express anger and frustration is often harmful to others as well as to ourselves. While we think that we feel better by venting our rage. Instead we are harming ourselves through these outbursts. Allowing such tensions to build inside of us and then giving them expression does violence to our inner life and pulls us away for the kind of interior balance that is the hallmark of living a spiritual life.
The words of Carmelite author, Mother Aloysius Rogers, make this point eloquently:
“It is with the moral infirmities we see in one another – our defects of character or temperament, our faults, our failings – that I think we should try to be watchful to exercise charity in thought, word, and deed. It is do easy and so natural to criticize; yet we cannot do so even interiorly without detriment to our soul. Such thoughts consent to certainly retard our progress in the perfection of charity.”
When we focus on what we consider defects in others, no matter whether those defects are personal qualities or political positions, we fail to see or encounter the person. When we fail to see or encounter the other person, we put the other into a category based on a negative judgment. That judgment is a reflection of who we are in that moment. In other words, when we put others in one category, we place ourselves in another than it equally narrow and confining. Most often, our judgments of others have no impact on their lives because others aren’t aware of our own thoughts. Yet, these judgments harm us interiorly. Our judgments cause us to be hard-hearted and diminish our capacity for compassion. We deceive ourselves into thinking that somehow we are better than others but, in fact, we have diminished our own humanity because of our tendencies to be critical of others.
I’m like many Americans today: I see a great deal in our country with which I disagree. I am concerned for the country’s future. Yet, my commitment to living my life in ways that foster spirituality challenges me to remember to disagree with policy and positions but to treat them with respect for their humanity. Spirituality is about the way we live. When we live in ways that disrespect others and treat them with contempt, we harm ourselves because we act out of injustice rather than compassion.
In these difficult times, spiritual practice and grounding has the ability to keep our hearts at peace while demonstrating compassion toward others. Grounded in this way, we are better able to use our intellect to critically think and rationally consider the problems that we face.