I recently celebrated my birthday. I appreciated the well wishes from others and the humorous jabs made about my age. It’s all part of the fun. One comment, from a friend I’ve known for nearly 30 years, stuck out in particular. In the midst of a group of people, he said, “I don’t know what pact you made with the devil. But I recently looked at an old picture of you and you haven’t changed a bit. You look the same today as you did when you were 30!”
I know that I do look younger than my age. I always have. What’s more striking to me is that in many ways I don’t feel much different from when I was 30. The main exception is the arthritis that grabs at my joints first thing in the morning and later in the evening. While physically, I feel pretty much as I always have, what has changed is my perception of my life. As I have aged, the perception of my own life has shifted in some fundamental ways.
Presently, I’ve lived about 3/4 as long as I’m likely to live. If I die at the age of other relatives, I have perhaps 20 years left of life. (Okay….I’d like at least 25 more, if that can happen!) I often think about the wonderful aspects of the life I’ve lived while also taking care to make decisions about what I do with what time I have left.
There are a number of people I know who are in their 20’s and 30’s. Because of their age, they look forward to life with plans, hopes, and dreams. That’s a wonderful thing. When I turned 40, a shift began as I reconciled myself to the reality that my youthful dreams hadn’t worked out quite the way I had hoped. That’s a lot of what mid-life is about. As I now count the years to retirement, I am much more aware of using time wisely. The problem is that I’m just not sure what it means to use my time wisely.
I’m well aware that at the end of life no one ever says that they wish that they would have worked more than they did. While some people have regrets about past actions, it’s more typical for people to regret what they didn’t do. What does one do when one reaches the point in life when the awareness of the limited life-span becomes more palpable?
Of course, we each approach choices in the later period of adulthood in various ways. I have a couple of colleagues who have a deep passion for teaching. They are in their 70’s and maintain full-time faculty positions. Another colleague has retired to a rustic home in the mountains and, for the first time in his life, is writing fiction. I’m reading his first novel, which may be turned into a movie. I have other friends who have largely unplugged from life: now living in a lake house with no TV or internet, reading, boating, and traveling on occasion.
I don’t know what will mark the next 20 or 25 years of my life. But I am certain of a few of the parameters. From the mid-life transition onward, life is characterized by the process of letting go of the attachments of the various ways we thought life would turn out but didn’t. Instead, we have the opportunity to grow in the acceptance of our lives as they are. Even as I cope with arthritis, I have to let go of the expectation that I can easily move my body in the ways that I intend and often have to “loosen up” a bit to walk or climb stairs. No matter if it’s letting go of physical abilities, dreams of what life would be, or professional roles that are taken over by a younger generation, at its heart, letting go is a spiritual process. This process of letting go is what I have learned to do each day when I sit in silence and open myself in meditation. In that quiet time, I let go of doing anything other than sitting and being mindful. I open myself to a mystery that is far broader than I can fathom. I rest in the trust that all will be well.
I don’t know what will mark the last ¼ of my life. But my experience in prayer and meditation provides the context for realizing that no matter what comes my way, all will be well. I understand the words of Dame Julian of Norwich more deeply today than when I first read them in my 20’s. As she faced the stark reality of her own illness, her faith was simply that “in all matter of things, all will be well.”
Another birthday has come and gone. I venture on another trip around the Sun. I trust that just as the first three quarters of my life has been a wonderful adventure, so too the last quarter will include people, experiences, and encounters I can’t anticipate. At whatever age, it truly is a gift to simply be alive. Perhaps that’s why it’s important to celebrate birthdays: to remind us that our lives are indeed a gift.
I really enjoyed reading your article. The same thoughts have been working their way into my awareness. Watching Billy Connolly on “Who do you think you are” when he said he was nearer the end of his life than the beginning, was just another reminder to live life to its fullest.
Many of my dreams I have let go of as they no longer look likely, unless some unexpected stroke of luck comes my way.
What I am learning is to live life as simply as I can, I get great joy from making simple food, having simple routines, and keeping out of complicated relationships and noise that can at times catch me unawares.
Fortunately I am healthy and well, I still work and will continue to do so until I no longer wish to be engaged in that way. I am learning to enjoy creativity in its many forms.
I read a book some while ago called “Claiming your place at the fire” “how to live the second half of your life on purpose” and I want to run some workshops for people who are interested in living their life on purpose.
Thank you for the reminder!
Christina
Christina:
Before writing this blog, it occurred to me how little is actually written in psychology or spirituality about the experience of being healthy and in the 55 to 70 (or so) age group. Most developmental psychology presents a picture of mid-life as followed by decrepitude. Most material on adult spirituality makes little distinction between a 30 and 60 year old. But I think that there’s clearly something unique about the life perspective of those past mid-life who are leading healthy and vital lives. I encourage you to pursue workshops or other ways of exploring this age group.
Lou
The fairy tales say that a person saw in a dream that the average lifespan of a person was thirty years…and the average lifespan of a (donkey) was also thirty years, and the average lifespan of a (dog) was thirty years and also the average lifespan of a (monkey) was thirty years. And because man is (greedy) he has wished for (long life) even at the expense of the donkey, the dog and the monkey, so that he takes twenty years from the life of each of them, and his wish was fulfilled, so his average life became (ninety years) and after the experiences and experiences in his new life with this long life.. discover the following The happiest days of his life were the first thirty – which is originally – his life before his wish.. Those first thirty that all lovers and all poets “remembered with goodness” and said a lot about them.. We remember the saying of Al-Mutanabbi: One hopes, life is delicious, gray hairs are more refined, and youth are more prudent. And I wept over the youth, and my face was black, and my face was radiant, and he also said: Be merry and be merry, and things will never end, if they have their first ones, as long as you are the best of goodness. The emaciated body and al-Akhtal’s saying: The youth is for Mahmoud with his screen, and the gray hair is turned away from him and is blocked, and Mahmoud al-Warraq’s saying: Every bliss and every life before thirty is desirable, but from the age of thirty to the age of fifty enters the life of the (donkey) who toils and plows. He gets tired and never gets bored and rarely rests, remembering the words of the greatest poet Mai al-Tabli: If a person exceeds thirty arguments, he has passed the age that is better, then from fifty to seventy he enters the age of (the dog) and the percentage of sugar increases and the pressure rises and his panting accelerates and he becomes angry and irritable and does not tolerate any lapse and his screaming (and barking) rises indifferently at the little one. And the great one, also forgetting the poet’s saying: If he reaches fifty, he is on the verge, so what is wrong with him, and the words of the poet Umayyah al-Dani al-Andalusi: May eternity revive from me what they have died and come back from my youth what they have missed. So he enters the age of (the monkey), where the person becomes lazy and weak, complaining of pain in the back and knees, or he complains of engorgement in the intestines and colon, or weakness in the joints and muscles. Staying in the house day and night, where travel does not excite him and do not enjoy vigil, moving in his home from the TV room by day to the bedroom by night and from bathroom to bathroom… Like a monkey that moves from one tree to another and from one branch to another… Remembering the poet’s saying: Nor dumb it down After the eighty, he says according to the rule of time and does, and the words of Omar bin Abi Rabi’ah.. and Al-Ghawani, if they see you as an old man, were in them about your desires to twist, and he echoed the words of Ibn Hamdis: What do you want the cheeks of a sheikh tomorrow in the range of seventy years of age, and he also said, and whoever goes to the seventy years, then he is the manon for him On the way and remembering the words of Ahmed Shawqi: I am in the seventies and the world has taken over, and there is no hope for anything but a good conclusion, and he complains about the lack of hearing. Remembering Ibn Al-Wardi’s saying: The eighty and I reached it. The young man comes back one day, so he tells him what the gray-haired man did, but one of the (two calibers) in this time says if he returns to his youth, he will say to him (a second report, I did worse than what the gray-haired did) – and he guessed so – and finally repeats the words of the poet Ibn Abi Hasina when he said: The youth to Hind brought me closer And my head became young, and today it is leaving me, O Hind, that the blackness of the head is suitable for this world, and the whiteness of the head is for religion
I enjoyed your article! I am quite happy with where I am right now. I don’t feel 64 and folks tell me I don’t look it, although I finally let my hair go gray. There is a certain feeling of self-acceptance that I didn’t have before that feels comfortable. I’m not as apt to try to be the “people pleaser”. I rely on my inner guidance and not my ego in my choices. I don’t feel that I have anything to prove anymore. What I am most conscious is the legacy that I want to leave. What do I want people to remember about me? It comes down to love. I try to share my love with everyone who comes into my life, even those who push my buttons. It’s easier now, but still a challenge at times. Whenever my time comes to move on, I’ll be ready. Blessings to all!
Carla:
It sounds like you are at a beautiful time of life.
Lou
What I like about being 60 is that I finally know what I want and what I don’t want in life. I like the control of knowing what I will chose to do in different situations instead of reacting to everything and feeling put upon or tragic because of it.
It is so true that “youth is wasted on the young”
Mary: I agree. There’s a lot to be said for knowing what one wants and doesn’t want. Thanks for the comment.
Lou
This week I will have my 82nd birthday. I laugh at myself because back in 1972 when I had my first cancer. I thought I would be happiest doing what I do until I died. I figured I could last another year. Last week when I had a melanoma removed and the doctor said he had gotten it all, I was not surprised since all the times I almost died have taught me that I do not have to die. I do not know the day nor the hour. Life for me has become doing full time what was once a part time job. I think after about 25 brushes with death, I have become honest to myself in the thought I do not knows whether it is better to die to be with Christ or to live to share him. I think that the sharing Christ with others is the taste of the eternal here on earth.
I love what you wrote and shared. For me the Sacrament of the Present Moment means that I can live a lifetime in each moment. I do whatever I do out of love of the Lord. Preferences give way to giving pleasure to others. You do a good job at that.