Hearing Into Being

I know that I’ve done it.  You probably have as well.  This time, I realized I was doing it as it occurred.  I guess you could say that I caught myself in the middle of the act.

A friend of mine was having a rough time, feeling beaten down by the world.  He reached out to talk.  I listened for a while and allowed him to share his frustrations.  I was empathetic and recognized he was in pain.  But then, I said what we often do:  “It’s going to be okay.  You’ll get through this.”  I reminded him of all the things he had going for him.  I gave him a pep talk.  Ultimately, I didn’t allow him to communicate his frustrations and difficult feelings and move through the experience in the way he needed to.  I essentially communicated that he should move on from his sadness and frustration and be positive about the future.  For it to be an authentic transition to a more positive perspective, he needed the time to move through the difficult feelings.  I cut it short not meeting him where he was.

Responding to another’s pain with a heartfelt “Cheer-up! It will get better!” is usual advice many people offer.  It’s not always particularly helpful.  Ultimately, it’s more helpful to listen attentively to the other, to let the other say what needs to be shared.  It’s only after listening, paying attention to the other, and only then that it may be appropriate to say something like, “I’ve had similar feelings before.  They were difficult to work out.  Would it help if I shared what worked for me?”

It’s usual for us to want to give advice, to tell people what to do.  Theologian Nelle Morton related this tendency to want to speak first to the mythical story in the Hebrew scripture in which God spoke and creation came to be.  Our cultural tendency is to speak, thinking that it will make things better.  After all, what we have to say is important, isn’t it?

Morton was clear that God’s speaking was predicated on being heard.  Let me put it this way:  if God was speaking, who was listening?  Who heard God speak?  Speaking and being heard work together or the spoken word is meaningless.  If someone speaks and no one listens, it’s just senseless noise.  But when the hearer is attuned, then speaking can have creative results.

From that basic realization, Morton concludes that we are not “spoken into being” but “heard into being.”  Who we are, our very existence is a result of listening and hearing.

While Morton’s work is part of the essential foundation of feminist theology as well as contemplative living, I find that it offers a critical perspective for our lives with others and relationships.  We empower people to be, to come to life, to heal and be whole by listening to them.  Rather than focusing on making ourselves heard by constantly speaking, we create space in our lives for others by listening and hearing the stories of their lives.  When we create space by hearing others, we create the opportunity for them to experience safety and affirmation — and to discover creative solutions in the midst of life dilemmas.  This is not only important in times of distress but in our day to day living in relationship with others.

The importance of hearing, of deep listening, is also a critical foundation for prayer.  Our common description of prayer is “saying our prayers.”  It’s as though God needs us to say something.  How silly!  Increasing the number of our words doesn’t result in gaining greater attention from the Holy One.  Instead, in prayer, we need to listen, to be quiet and hear the subtle voice of the Divine spoken to us throughout every aspect of life.

Yes, my friend has a more positive outlook these days.  I did apologize for having cut him off and encouraged him to share more of what he was feeling.  I listened to hear him.  I think it made us a bit better of friends.

Photo by Christina Morillo from pexels.com