Many people were raised in conservative religious contexts and as adults grow beyond the confines of their childhood belief systems. Sometimes, a question comes up for them: what if they were actually right all along? This question could reflect unresolved spiritual abuse. In this video, I am discussing how growing up in a conservative religious context can lead to spiritual abuse as well as ways to heal from that abuse. Please join me. Thanks!
Beginning this week, a text version of the e-merging blog will be included with the video.
Recently, I was speaking with a woman who sees me for spiritual direction. She was raised in a conservative, Evangelical family and church. As an adult, she’s explored progressive Christianity as well as studied yoga in an ashram as well as Buddhist meditation through a Buddhist monastery. She’s taken these endeavors seriously and has charted out her own spiritual path based on what she’s learned. In our conversation, she shared that someone from her youth tracked her down on social media. As she looked at this person’s social media account, she realized that this friend was still very much a part of Evangelical Christianity. At first, she said, “I’m not sure what we can talk about. We’re in such very different places in our lives.” As we talked further, she spoke of being uncomfortable with the connection and the memories it brought up for her. Then she asked the question that was at the root of her discomfort: “What if they turn out to be right?”
Over the years, many people I’ve known who grew up in families who practiced conservative, restrictive religions have expressed similar sentiments to me. They were taught that there was one right way to believe and to experience God; one way to behave, and to accept the answers provided by religious leaders without question. Unless they did these things, they would commit a serious sin and lose salvation, ending up spending an eternity in hell. We all know of these kinds of religious groups. But those who were raised in them, even with education, therapy, engagement with new spiritual practices, find that there’s a hook within them that causes them to wonder if perhaps they were right. That ongoing doubt is a hook related to spiritual abuse.
I’ve talked about religious and spiritual abuse before in the video titled Soul Wounds: The Impact of Spiritual and Religious Abuse. Among other things, spiritual abuse leaves people with a pervasive sense of shame for simply being who they are. Since they didn’t conform to the beliefs, behaviors, and answers provided by their religion, they were told that there was something wrong with them. Sometimes it was that the devil or other demon-possessed them. Other times, it was simply that they were willful and disobedient and therefore not “children of God.”
For an outsider, it’s easy to think that a person needs to just forget about what happened because these conservative religious groups are, well, nuts. They reject scientific discovery which is supported by evidence and substitute their religious myths for literal truth. Their leaders claim to speak for God who tells them all manner of things while also claiming to be infallible. How could a thinking person fall for it?
Once people leave these groups, they become aware of the fallacies. But something can still hook them and they wonder, “What if they’re right?” That hook can be devastating. At the height of the AIDS crisis, one of my best friends was a progressive Catholic priest and professor. He lectured around the world and had impressive credentials. While he found spiritual richness in contemplative and mystical Christian spirituality, he didn’t take dogma all that seriously. But there were times when I sensed that something wasn’t right for my friend. His guilt and shame would slip out here and there. When he contracted AIDS, shame took over his life. He became a rigidly pious individual, praying the rosary several times a day which was something he never did. He began to go to confession every day. Later in his illness when he needed regular care, he moved in with his parents. His mother called me one day and asked if I would visit. She was concerned about his religiosity and that he was convinced he would burn in hell. Nothing I or anyone else said or did could convince him that he was not an evil person or alleviate the guilt and shame. In the end, he died in mental and spiritual anguish believing that he was unredeemable.
We know that people who believe in an authoritarian deity, a god who deals harshly with us, have an increased rate of both physical health concerns, like high blood pressure and other coronary issues, as well as increased mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Those who believe in a loving deity, a god who accepts us as we are, can also have physical and mental health concerns. But the most serious impacts on mental and physical health are experienced by those who are not able to resolve the spiritual abuse that occurred to them.
As with any abuse, it’s important to name this for what it is. To write it off as simply being the beliefs of those who are different from you is nothing more than glossing over the abuse. Instead, the abuse is real. Recovery from abuse often requires relearning how to be healthy: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A healthy diet and exercise are a start. Working with a therapist to sort out the abuse, and the related guilt and shame is a critical part of healing. But also working with a spiritual director who can help you integrate a healthy sense of spirituality into your life is an essential part of coming to wholeness.
Many people in the world today have been abused by religious and spiritual groups. The abuse is physical, psychological, and spiritual. Coming to wholeness requires resolving that hurt and letting it go. What if they were right? Well, each person who’s been abused needs to find for themselves that no, they were not right. Instead, they were abusers.