Men’s spirituality: what makes it unique? Because men are socialized differently from women in our cultures, men’s experience of themselves and the spiritual dimension of life has unique aspects. What it means to be a man shapes men’s spiritual experience.
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Sometimes men find it difficult to relate to discussions and resources about spirituality. In many ways, the ambiance of spirituality often takes on a feminine mystique. Three keys can be helpful when it comes to understanding spirituality for men. Remember that the spiritual journey is unique for each of us. These keys are meant to serve as a foundation for men in understanding how to approach the spiritual dimension of life in ways that may be right for them.
First, male attributes in Western culture have been traditionally described in terms of being confident, assertive, strong, and self-sufficient. Despite a couple of generations of advancement in gender equality, social norms continue to view women as “the weaker sex” and in need of protection. Our language betrays us. For example, computer systems that are working are “up” and when they aren’t working, they are “down.” Or an idea that conveys deep understanding is penetrating but something not very insightful is short-sighted or dull. Many other words are used as positive qualities like tough, hard, ambitious, and solid. These words are often used in context with successful men. As ethicist James Nelson observed a few decades ago that when we consider these attributes in relationship to men, they are also metaphors for an erect penis: up, penetrating, solid, hard. But here’s the thing: the vast majority of the time, both waking and sleeping, a man’s penis is flaccid, soft, and tender. It is part of our body that needs protection.
We have a false notion that men need to learn to be more like women in order to be in touch with our emotions and to demonstrate tenderness and gentleness. It is a misguided notion that men should look for these attributes outside of themselves, or be looking to women to understand them. Instead, a starting place for men’s spirituality is recognizing that the normal experience of what’s commonly referred to as “manhood” is precisely this experience of tenderness, softness, and in need of care. That’s an essential part of who we are as men. We carry with us a particular kind of softness that needs protection.
Second, because we understand masculinity as being strong, independent, hard, and self-sufficient, the image of the lone wolf captures the imagination of many men. But in reality, a lone wolf is one that’s separated from the pack. Lone wolves don’t survive. Wolves are animals that thrive in a pack. They need each other for support. Few lone wolves make it through their first winter on their own. While wolves can be a helpful image for men, the mythology that’s developed about the lone wolf as a strong survivor is simply wrong. The lone wolf, in nature, doesn’t survive. The wolf that is part of a pack thrives. The same is true for men. We thrive when we are connected in relationships, particularly when we have other men as friends.
Third, building particularly on the second key, most men find a sense of identity in relationships with other men. But we usually form those relationships differently from women. Men’s relationships are often based on common interests or activities, like playing a particular sport or being part of some kind of group like the gang that watches football every Sunday. There’s a natural comradery. However, the limitation is that these activities often reinforce masculine stereotypes rather than help men grow. Men need to find ways to use their connections with other men in groups to explore both their attributes to be strong and tender, and to be hard and soft. Because men are both. While building friendships with buddies around common activities is great, with that there needs to be time for honesty and openness where men can share their thoughts and experiences.
By addressing these three keys as part of a man’s growth to wholeness and integration, the exploration of the spiritual dimension of life because more authentic for men. The spiritual dimension of our lives is deeply connected with our experience of being men. But when we don’t allow ourselves to fully explore what it means to be a man, then we limit the ability for spirituality to unfold in our lives.