I consider myself to be fortunate. While I’ve moved around the country over the years, I’ve been able to maintain a network of close friends whom I value. I’ve known some of my friends for 35 or 40 years. I am thankful for those intimate friends. They enrich my life and challenge me to grow more fully.
Research has shown that close friendships are extremely beneficial to us. Having close friends correlates with a stronger immune system, lower levels of stress, and increased happiness. Spiritually, close friends are companions for the journey with whom we are able to share experiences that are often difficult to put into words. Our intimate friends support us in becoming more whole and better-integrated people.
Friendships that are mutual, with a balance of give and take, can be lifegiving. But it sometimes happens that something just isn’t right about the relationship. While I may enjoy the person’s company and look forward to seeing the person, sometimes the mutuality between us is lost. Sometimes it seems as though I am the one invested in the friendship and the other doesn’t give it much value. In these instances, what I experience is that the other person isn’t being a very good friend to me.
The writers of self-help books use terms for one-sided relationships like toxic relationships or co-dependency. Those may be handy labels. My experience is that these labels are too simplistic. I prefer to think of it more in terms of whether the balance in a relationship is relatively level or whether there’s a dynamic that’s mutually supportive. Sometimes the balance may tip one way or the other because one friend is experiencing a difficult time in life. That’s natural. But the general tendency for a healthy friendship should be somewhere in the middle, at an even keel.
When I become aware that there’s a persistent pattern of imbalance or a lack of mutuality, I first try to talk with the friend about this. Sometimes, the person has just been unaware that there’s a problem. Perhaps we can find a new level of balance that’s right for both of us. Other times, there’s a brief period of change but the imbalanced dynamic quickly returns. I again find myself frustrated and uncomfortable. It’s then that I come to the realization that it’s time for me to let go of the friendship.
In this context, for me to let go means that I need to be willing to accept that the friendship may be ending. That’s often difficult for me because I’m clearly aware of what I like, appreciate, and value about my friends. I don’t want to lose any of my friendships. Yet, there have been times when the experience of specific friendships has become hurtful or draining to me. Ultimately, I recognize that I alone can’t change the dynamic in a friendship. It requires change by both people.
Intimate friendships enhance our lives. Our friends draw us out and enable us to become better people. They are healthy for us. But when the balance of mutuality is lost and can’t be reestablished, it’s time to let go of the friendship. Perhaps the friendship will come back around. Or perhaps the letting go is really saying good-bye.
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